Amu

Sep. 19th, 2009

On love, and solitude

"For obligation is the worst thing in the world, the freedom we deny ourselves." - Jose Saramago, in "The Year of the Death of Ricardo Reis"

I have been thinking a lot lately. That is the thing I hate about solitude, it forces you to listen to your own thoughts. Wherever you go, there you are, following yourself, thinking. It's exhausting. Even though I'm not one of those people whose mind is constantly active with thoughts. Still!

Anyway, so since I've been here I've seen my relationship in a whole new light. And frankly, it terrifies me. It terrifies me how much I can love a person, and how much I will have to compromise to be with him, because I want to be with him, and I love him. But what becomes of me, then? What of me and my life?

Actually the thing that scares me is a trait in my own character, whereby when I love a person, I give them all of me, every little bit. It's scary because if the relationship then breaks, I have a hard time recovering myself...scraping those pieces back and building me again. The other thing is dependence, and that is such a horrible horrible thing about love. Why can't we love freely, with no bonds no ties no obligations? Like many other people, I never feel suffocated in a relationship, because I am just not an independent person by nature. I can manage alone, but I don't like it. I am infinitely happier in a couple, having somebody to lean on, somebody to turn to for advice, somebody to talk to when there is something important to say, or nothing at all. And this is what creates dependence. And it's a vile, evil thing. But I can't do it any other way.

This makes me sad :-(

Tags: love, reflections, relationship, solitude

Aug. 21st, 2009

Breakdown

mood:

contemplative

So it finally happened. Not as melodramatic as the title of this post suggests, but it did happen nevertheless.

So after an evening of shopping for clothes I have never had to wear in my life due to the mildness (non-existence) of Mumbai's winters, I came home feeling, umm, weird. My desk, my curpboard and my wardrobe have all been emptied, cleared out and contents to be taken with me dumped into one very overflowing suitcase.

I have been suffering from insomnia recently (which ironically leads to incredible sleepiness and fatigue) and so when I got into bed with my blanket and bear at 3 am, I wasn't surprised that I was feeling awake. My head nowadays though is a frustrating buzz of static, so that I can't hold a single thought for more than a micro-second, trails of thought get interrupted and many languages vie for attention in my brain. I am tired.

Somehow, last night, though, I managed to cling on to one thought and try and follow it through. I had my eyes fixed on this Nivea Deo bottle on the shelf above my bed, and suddenly an overwhelming feeling of sorrow came over me. When I asked myself why, I realised it's because I will never look at this bottle, this shelf this room the way it is again, I will never feel so comfortable and rooted anymore. This is the room I grew up in as a little girl, and when I come back to it, I won't be one anymore.

But that is not all. It is not just that I am leaving this room, I am leaving my childhood. I am leaving my parents' house to make my life somewhere else. I will never be as well looked after. From now on nobody will cook and clean for me everyday, sing me to sleep while running their fingers through my hair, take care of me when I am sick, worry about me when I'm out late, bug me about this or that or the other, tell me what to do, tell me how to do it.

Yeah, I know, for the last year, I have been hankering and craving for the very independence I am dreading so much now. And I guess that still holds good, but now that it is so close, I know that once I cross over the line to the other side, there is no coming back.

From now on, I will pay my own bills, take my own decisions, buy and cook my own food, date whoever I want, do whatever I like. I will be responsible for my own health and well-being. It's a scary, scary thing, because as long as somebody else is responsible for you, you have someone to blame, something to rebel against. Now that I have what I want, I'm not so sure I want it.

And that's unfortunately the way the cookie crumbles.

Life is such a hard, hard thing.

Aug. 17th, 2009

Transition

mood:

indescribable

music: silence

This whole process is so emotionally exerting, i don't know what to make of it.

First, leaving my job. My first ever one. As the day approached, actually, I was looking forward to it. I had had enough, the place was getting to me. But in the end little things managed to bothered me nevertheless. Knowing I'd never come back to work at MDL, never have Uday ke haath ka chai, probably never work in such an informal fun atmosphere again, returning my belongings, esp my phone - it was all very very hard. I have been crying, not crying like I did all of last month, but a few silent tears from time to time - tears of quiet farewell, of acceptance - not of fear.

My farewell party was just beautiful. Everybody was so nice, and the gifts - I will treasure them...

Saying goodbye to my brother, welcoming and then saying goodbye to my uncle, welcoming and then saying goodbye to david - all this has made me see the airport one too many times in the last month. But it has also steeled me for going, I don't feel as daunted by it anymore...

...I've decided that there's no time to be afraid anymore. Only time to go through my things, my life's collection, go through and flush out the old....clear out space to bring in my new life, new memories.

I am not afraid anymore. I am just wondering how much of these last 21 years will fit in 2 suitcases.

Tags: france, job, leaving

Jun. 23rd, 2009

Religion, liberalism, the monsoon, and the tribe without numbers

mood:

excited

I just realised that I had a lot to write in my last post but ended up writing only about one topic. So here's the rest.

I woke up today morning to the news of Sarkozy banning the burqa in France. I think that's a really stupid move. While I am an atheist and think it's really kind of stupid to have a woman all covered from head to toe, I do believe that if it is not being imposed on her, she has every right to wear it if she wants to. It's a personal choice. To me it's equivalent to banning homosexuality on account of it not being "natural". I mean who the hell is anybody to decide what anybody else can or cannot do? I have been thinking about this because of a post by a certain blogger called M (refuse to link) in Mumbai who once put up a post on her decision to remain a virgin till her marriage on account of her devout faith in Christianity, and her defense of the same. Similar to choosing to wear a burqa, this is a personal choice, and she is free to have it as well as to air it.

What disturbed me however, was her response to the healthy debate this article induced. Some people (agnostic/atheist) commented on the post saying that it was irresponsible of her to do so and that what is needed in this day and age is education regarding safe sex, not preaching as to its abstinence. Which is a valid point as well. In response, M went up in righteous defense (a standard tendency with her) saying she did not want people judging her on the basis of her religious beliefs and her choices! I mean hello, did I miss something?

See I am not against any religion, inasmuch as it remains a private matter, a personal choice and does not hamper the lives of others or the peace of society. But religion that goes up in self-defense at the slightest debate really gets me riled up. As an atheist, I am often judged by religious people, yet, because they are in a majority, they somehow think that their way is right and something's wrong with me. If believing is a personal choice, then so is not-believing, and it should be equally respected.

I watched Religulous the other day, and this (amongst other things like Angels and Demons, a documentary on the re-surge of Creationism in Europe, as well as certain essays on the religiousness of American society) brought home the fact that most religion around us today is, unfortunately, not staying out of things which are, frankly (and I mean every offense when I say this) none of it's business. Like science, for that matter. I mean, you can believe, if you so wish, that the world was created by the Almighty in seven days; but you sure as hell can't create a museum filled with such absolute bullshit as displays of early humans co-existing with dinosaurs, and Noah's ark and call it "evidence". i mean, the only response that can get from me is FUCK YOU. As somebody who believes in the power of science (to me it is magical) this really really bothers me. Evolution has been proven time and time again, and if you don't want to believe it that's fine, but please do not furnish absolute nonsense as evidence to refute it. That is just wrong. And a money-making endeavour at that. It is things like this about religion that get me all hot and bothered - which is why the very mention of things like Scientology or Homeopathy gets my blood boiling. My advice to you is, if you believe very strongly in any of these things, stay away from me before things get really ugly.

I must hasten to add here that I do have an open mind to everything. But when it comes to choosing what to believe in, I like to have my evidence. More importantly, I can totally understand being a believer in a completely non-literal sense. To me faith is faith, it doesn't require evidence. And I have respect for this faith. If you tell me you believe in a God because you just do, I can completely understand that. But then don't try to prove to me that God exists, because there is no such proof. My point in the whole discussion here is that faith and empirical science must be kept apart, and the two should not interfere with each other, because they honestly do not have anything in common.

__
In other news, the monsoon is finally here. I am one of those rarities for a Mumbaikar: somebody who absolutely hates the monsoon. So you can imagine how happily I was taken aback when I actually began waiting and praying for the monsoons like all other Mumbaikars this year. (Two reasons: one being the immense unbearable heat, secondly another impending arrival which is making me very happy)

And after all those days of cursing and waiting and hoping and praying the monsoon finally came today. For the first time in my life, I woke up to the first rains and did not complain about how dark it was (anybody who knows me knows how much I detest the lack of sunlight, especially early in the morning), or about the squidgy-mugginess of it all. I actually rejoiced in the cooler weather, the wind, the green-ness of the trees and the joy of coming home, washing your feet in warm water, taking a blanket and drinking a hot cup of tea.

But even before the day was over, I felt the old creeping feeling come on me. I am now back to dreading the splashing around in the muck, the wet stickiness of the clothes that always somehow leaves u itching, the filthiness of railway stations, the depression that envelops u on waking up to a rainy day, the constant battle with temperamental umbrellas, the many infections that do the rounds and the not being able to wear whatever u want (especially this last one!).

Sigh, I guess some things just don't change. My enthusiasm about the monsoon's arrival has lasted only one day.
__
Slow day at work today. But read a very very interesting article today, thanks to vaidehi:

www.independent.co.uk/news/science/unlocking-the-secret-sounds-of-language-life-without-time-or-numbers-477061.html

Nothing to say about it, except, I knew it ;-) Ha ha!

Tags: language, linguistics, monsoon, rains, religion, science

Posted at 11:23 pm | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Hello, here's me, after a very long time (and hopelessly in love!)

location: bed

mood:

chirpy

music: songs in my head

Yes yes, it has been a while. It feels really weird to be writing here again, like I've just walked back into a deserted haveli and need to clean out the cobwebs with a long broom before I can really begin to do anything, well, productive. The fact is, though, that I haven't not written because I have nothing to say, rather because I have had so many things to say that I never really had the time/energy/right conditions to be able to do so in peace (and clarity). So here, en vrac, as the French say, are some of the things I've wanted to write about. The rest are (mercifully) lost to oblivion.

So I went to Mauritius, which, to spare the description is a pretty boring place. Goa exported to a foreign country. The beaches are very picturesque, though, I cannot deny. I think the thing that really irritated me the most about the place is that it's a honeymooner's paradise. You're just surrounded by lovers who look so blissed out you want to tear your hair because you're not with your own.

...Which brings me to, my own. The thing about this relationship is that I am, at all times, so super-awed by how wonderful it is, that I just feel like raving and raving about it. (Please note: I consider this statement as a sufficient warning for all the raving that will inevitably follow) But I must talk about it. Let me begin by saying, I'm not much of a romantic, not believing, for example, that there is only one person made for you in the world, or that love is something that can last a lifetime, or that marriage is really such a great idea. So you can imagine how much even I am taken aback by the amount of what can only be called romanticism that pervades this relationship. I don't just love this man, I can love him forever and want to marry him and think he's my soulmate. We never seem to fight, we have a great understanding, and we have such great fun together! In the beginning I thought this is is just me getting carried away (as one always does) in the beginning. But the rush hasn't stopped, and it's been 10 months already, with a lot of it spent apart (a trial for any relationship), so you can understand why I am in such a constant state of 'kicked'. I realise how truly insanely I am in love with this man when I realised I want to have kids with him (what? so yuck!) I've never felt like wanting to have children with anybody! This is so weird!

And before my well-intentioned reader chides me (as any well-intentioned reader would) I must stop and specify here that despite all my seeming-giddiness I am quite (painfully) aware of the complicated-ness of the situation. It isn't exactly like I am going to present him to my parents and they'll willingly hand me over to him. It is much more likely they will hand me over to the streets and disown me once and for all. Or something less filmi but equally dire. At the very start it used to bother me immensely, so much so that I did not even want to be in the relationship. At all. But over time I have realised that love is something that you really can't fight. (Even if you can, I don't think anybody should) And also that things like age, your past, your culture or your language hardly are an obstacle. If two people get along, they just do, there's nothing anything or anyone can do to change it (am beginning to believe in that romantic love as you can see - what can I do? faced with the circumstances, I am left with no choice!) What I feel about this subject has been succinctly summarized by Elizabeth Gilbert somewhere in her novel "Eat, Pray, Love" (a fun read). Here's the excerpt:

"One thing I do know about intimacy is that there are certain natural laws governing the sexual experience of two people, and that there laws cannot be budged any more than gravity can be negotiated with. To feel comfortable with someone else's body is not a decision you make. It has very little to do with how two people think or act or talk or even look. The mysterious magnet is either there, buried somewhere deep behind the sternum, or it is not.... My friend Annie says it all come down to one simple question: "Do you want your belly pressed against this person's belly forever - or not?"
Felipe and I, as we discover to our delight, are a perfectly matched, genetically engineered belly-to-belly success story. There are no parts of our bodies which are in any way allergic to any parts of the other's body. Nothing is dangerous, nothing is difficult, nothing is refused. Everything in our sensual universe is - simply and thoroughly - complemented."

All of which brings me to the thing that has been increasingly on my mind lately i.e. marriage. Or Marriage. Now, given the aforementioned seriousness of this relationship, it should come as no surprise that this has come up, and been discussed. What is astonishing, of course, that I actually feel I can do it (no no not immediately, of course over time etc. etc.) But the wanting itself is such a new feeling, such a big step for somebody who likes her freedom so much.

Having decided that I want to, I have become suddenly more curious as to the dynamics of marriage: what makes it tick, why do people divorce, what's it like? I first got thinking about in Mauritius, where we were surrounded by newlyweds. They were so much fun to watch, especially this one particularly settled couple that looked like they were embarking on the funnest adventure of their lives together. And I'm sure it is, I can imagine it as quite an experience, learning to compromise, moulding your lives around each other, having kids and raising them. I see all these things as important life-experiences, and therefore a successful marriage has from me nothing but utter respect. I want a successful marriage, I want the fights, the negotiating, the balancing, the settling in, the fusing into one another until one day life is not imaginable without the other, the joy of shared boredom. On the other hand, I realise that I do overly romanticise marriage when I talk about it like this. In reality, (as, of all things, a Lipstick Jungle episode brought to mind) even a long-standing marriage can crumble, and suddenly leave u wondering whether you even knew the person you'd been sleeping with for 20 years. Secondly, divorce is an increasing reality in today's world, especially in his country, and I am terrified that one day he (or anybody else) can just want out, and get it too.

You see, marriage for me is that ultimate stability I can build my life around, that I crave for in everything I do. If even marriage loses its rock-solidness, I don't know how to deal with that. For me, you marry somebody, you make your life with them, and you live with them till you die, it's as simple as that. But things are not simple anymore, and that just makes me sad.

But I guess if you have faith, anything can happen. And I hope everything goes well in this story, and that I can have my belly pressed against his forever :-)

Tags: love

Posted at 09:35 pm | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Mar. 15th, 2009

Postscript

location: home - after forever

mood:

disoriented

music: billu barber - jaoon kahaan

I don't know what to do with my body without you.

Only your caresses give it meaning.

Tags: him, withdrawal

Mar. 13th, 2009

At the departure of a loved one (a beautiful poem, and some scribblings)

Love Is Not All -Edna St. Vincent Millay

Love is not all; it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain,
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink,
And rise and sink, and rise and sink again;
Love cannot fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want, past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would.

Knots - me

You said you wanted to try
and tie
my body
into a knot

And left me
tongue-tied.

You said you wanted to try
and tie
my body
into a knot

But you didn't succeed.

I must tell you though,
that when you left
it felt like my heart
twisted itself into one.

I love you.

...Untie me.

Tags: farewell, him, love

Posted at 04:59 pm | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Feb. 9th, 2009

You give me fever!

mood:

sick

HE'S HEEERRRREE!!!!! IT'S INCREDIBLE!!!

No, seriously, I could lie in his arms forever :-)

___

I have a problem with the lyrics of the song Crazy Kiya Re, which makes it almost un-listenable for me. You see, the thing is, she sings:

"Main yahaan bhi gayee
Main wahaan bhi gayee
Socha pal pal use
Main jahaan bhi gayee"

which makes it sound like she's thinking him into existence, when actually she's only thinking about him. Doesn't grammar dictate that hum kisi ke baare mein sochte hain, and not use sochte hain? Does it bother only me?

___

Oh God i'm crazy! I hope it's just the fever...

Posted at 09:07 pm | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Jan. 23rd, 2009

Love

mood:

loved

"We were quiet together after we had made love. We watched the afternoon sun fall across the garden, the long shadows of early evening making patterns on the white wall. I was holding Louise's hand, conscious of it, but sensing too that a further intimacy might begin, the recognition of another person that is deeper than consciousness, lodged in the body more than held in the mind. I didn't understand that sensing, I wondered if it might be bogus, I'd never known it myself although I'd seen it in a couple who'd been together for a very long time. Time had not diminished their love. They seemed to have become one another without losing their very individual selves. Only once had I seen it and I envied it. The odd thing about Louise, being with Louise, was déjà vu. I couldn't know her well and yet I did know her well. Not facts and figures, I was endlessly curious about her life, rather a particular trust. That afternoon it seemed to me I had always been here with Louise, we were familiar."

- Extract "Written on the Body" by Jeanette Winterson.

Posted at 12:31 am | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Jan. 21st, 2009

Up and down

location: work!

I meant to write yesterday, but was just too exhausted to get down to it. Chronicling my journey at the moment seems indispensable, but also too daunting to undertake. Every day finds me in a new mood, with a slightly changed outlook or a slightly lowered/raised morale - and I don't think the fatigue of long days does much to help matters. I spent my weekend stressing and worrying about my french and how I'll never get a scholarship and how i'll never get to go and be stuck in Bombay probably in the same job - and that really got me down. Yesterday, though, the favourable response by the director and the professors from the University of Sorbonne has given me hope. But as I was saying to Partho, am really bad at endeavours like these - ones which require single-minded focus, concentration and unwavering ambition. Ambition is alien to me, I've always been a drifter, and now, to find myself in a situation where I really really want something (and which is not going to be offered to me on a platter like everything else in my life) is unnerving. I'm all thumbs, I'm frozen, I don't know how to go about things - but then fear has always been my biggest weakness I guess. If I don't overcome, I don't get in. Period. That is something I am trying to tell myself.

I had a really nice evening on Sunday. Went to Strand book sale with Harshad, who of course, had to call my beautiful new outfit a "frock" lol! I did look like a crystal ball woman, though, I must admit! Anyway, as it always happens with us, we reached just 15 minutes before closing time, and so we had to hurry things quite a bit. Even though, I was quite happy with what I bought:

1) Darkness at Noon - Arthur Koestler
2) Written on the Body - Jeanette Winterson (which I am currently reading and can only be described in one word - "breathless")

We followed that up with dinner at (after much deliberation) Mocha, which turned out to be a good choice. The music was 80's, the crowd was yuppie, the ambience was fun, the food was good, and for the first time I felt much much older than a college student. Usually, whenever I go out to a restaurant these days, I feel like I felt when we used to go out and eat in the last year of college. But this evening I (we?) felt like young adults, looking at their life before them. I think that was partly due to the drift of our conversation as well, which flowed smoothly from nostalgia to talks of our future. I was faced with the terrifying prospect of losing touch with him (and partho and the others) - because, who can say what will happen when I go to France? At that moment, I looked at him, and already began missing him. Living in a foreign country alone without these friends who are like my family seems un-doable.

Anyway, we walked afterwards to Marine Drive and sat dangling our feet, looking down at the tetrapods, which always remind me of crabs for some reason! We didn't talk very much, and for the first time I just sat and basked in the beauty of my Bombay, my city. The city of dreams and light. Of course the beautiful silence of the moment had to be interrupted - which it was, (and quite rudely at that!) by a horrible accident on the road. The city of crashes too :P

Bought a lot of very pretty (and very expensive) clothes at the Promod sale on Saturday. Cheered me up quite a bit.

Nothing else to report - except that waiting for him gets harder by the day. As he said, "paradoxalement"

Long long week. Looking forward to Janfest.

Ok, enough.

Jan. 12th, 2009

(no subject)

mood:

irritated

Just read my last post, and after a long tiring day at work, I hereby declare that I was right - January is long and stressful :( Again, vivement fevrier and all that! Enfin, it's the only thing that keeps me going!

A concise riposte to all those who asked me The Question:

Isaac Asimov

"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right."

A wise man :)

I don't like french class :(

Jan. 5th, 2009

A quote that rings true, and my day

mood:

satisfied

Sidney J. Harris

"A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future."

___

I've had a great sunday. Warm, relaxing, and full of just the right doses of everything i love: hugs, family, nostalgia, laughing like crazy, fun with cousins, great food, a good hair day, romance, sex, interesting conversation, music, dancing, baths, sleep, tea, lovely-smelling things, dreams, and hope.

Sometimes I feel so lucky :)

On the downside - not looking forward to january, it's going to be long, tiring and probably stressful. But February will come, and life will be full of sunshine. I hope, at least.

I love him so much! *sigh*

Posted at 01:31 am | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Dec. 30th, 2008

retrospect

mood:

indescribable

music: ek meetha marz dene (in my head)

The year ends tomorrow, and (as I always tend to at this time) I am introspective. The big big change in my life has been, of course, the end of my relationship and the blossoming of a new and beautiful one in its place.

I was heartbroken when my last relationship ended. But after all the hell I went through after, moving on was easy. One day I woke up and it had happened. He just didn't figure in my life anymore. I was quite taken aback by how suddenly and how smoothly it happened, but I guess I have too much self-respect to let anybody walk over me. And once that started happening, I was done. Finished. Forever.

Subsequently, whenever I looked back on the relationship, I always saw it full of pain, ridden with conflict and sadness from the beginning. The pettiness that followed didn't help very much either. I began thinking of it as a mistake, as something I did without realising what I was doing. However, this is untrue. It was beautiful at one time (even if I can't really remember-but the letters are proof) and I was fully aware of what I was doing throughout. Sometimes I kick myself for putting up with as much as I did, because that doesn't do anybody any good. What is also true was that there was incompatibility of goals and expectations, and he was right about that. Perhaps we shouldn't have been together as long as we did. That we survived even that much, and with some good memories, is quite a miracle.

One thing I know though - it was an unhealthy relationship. And maybe that's why I feel so happy, so free without it. We were doing something fundamentally wrong.

Of course, I know all this because I find myself in a relationship now that is at once beautiful and healthy. The idea that it is possible, and that I can have it so soon, makes me feel grateful. I have really really never felt love like this before. I feel like its coursing through me all the time, and the ache is not painful - it's a sweet, heady yearning that makes me sigh with happiness and longing. My life is filled with so much laughter, and that is something I value the most.

So I go into the new year at a completely different stage of my life than the last year. I feel wiser, stronger and happier. Isn't that just wonderful??

"I am but a pilgrim in your shrine"

Posted at 10:06 pm | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Dec. 16th, 2008

Upshot

mood:

exhausted

music: buzzing in my head

Ever since I've been with him, I've realised how much talking is unnecessary in a relationship. What we have is beautiful :)

Posted at 10:36 pm | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Dec. 2nd, 2008

pensive

mood:

sad

music: With or Without You - U2

What a mixed day it's been. I love him so much it hurts, almost physically. It makes me cry :( I really want this to work out.

Anyway, that apart, the month of December is here, which means it will be practically deserted at work. I hope it's not too bad. I can't wait for February, there's really nothing I have to look forward to on a day-to-day basis. Must find things to do.

I do not know what the future holds. But my present seems to have only these fragmented sentences that I clutch onto, stuck as I am between two languages - all the time. Who am I? Who will I be? The thought is terrifying. Sometimes I wonder whether I will end up frustrated, like her.

I shouldn't be thinking like this. But sometimes I can't help it.

Anyway, a poem that I found absolutely, stunningly beautiful, courtesy partho:

(In Algiers, 120 men were killed at a movie theatre.)

Disbeliever

By the limping of the people of Iraq
By the sound of frantic running in Qana, in Kosovo
By the men and boys of Hama massacred
By the swollen bodies in a river in Rwanda
and Afghani women and the writers of Algiers,
I am a disbeliever

in everything that refuses to kiss
full on the lips the ones still living
and receive them into the bosom of the self,
no matter the religion or the nation or race
I am a disbeliever in everything
that does not say "How was the movie? I love you"

I need a body outside my life that can travel and kneel
on the sidewalk beside a movie theater in Algiers
over the bodies of the supple children
who will never be my children's playmates or marry them
over the bodies of the men and the women
who will never write a letter,
will never phone me from Algiers:
"How was the movie? I love you. I love you."

I need time outside this history
where I can whisper in the ear of each of them,
By God, you will never be forgotten
By God, I will make sure the world
buries its face in your beautiful hair,
sings to you, learns your name and your music,
lifts you up in the crook of its arm like a gift

I am a disbeliever
in everything but the purity of the bodies
of the men and women–with or without the veil,
with or without the markings of the right identity–
in everything but the suppleness of children
I am a disbeliever in every scripture
in the world that leaves out
"How was the movie? I love you. I love you."

Mohja Kahf

If I could read you this. And tell you I love you.

But I never will.

Posted at 11:24 pm | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Nov. 24th, 2008

stress

music: Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

I need, need, need to find myself.

Must find a way to be at ease. Then things will be better. Atleast I hope.

But love is such a beautiful thing. It is keeping me alive :)

Posted at 12:15 am | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Nov. 9th, 2008

Growing up...

mood:

thoughtful

music: ek meetha marz dene - welcome to sajjanpur

This will be a long post, I think. I've just recommenced my long-lost reading, and feeling very fulfilled because of it. Fulfilled is such a chick-word, that's not what I feel! It's just that that jittery, unsettled feeling I had has begun to ebb a little. It's amazing how much I am drawn to words, and how much they can calm me, how much sheer pleasure I can derive from them. That's why am not doing an MBA. And I think I will not regret this decision.

I'm continuously in a fluid state, nowadays. I'm letting life take me where it has to, trying not to control things to much. And to be honest, it is scaring me. It's not really fear, but a feeling of not being able to be complacent. I always have to be alert to my environment, to the millions of things that are coming at me, and calibrate my responses accordingly. Am not denying it is exciting, though it takes getting used to for a simple girl like me :P

What else? Oh I just got back from a three-day team-building thing in Lonavala, which was not as bad as I thought it would be. But I felt more at ease with the Europeans than with the Indians (am such an outsider here!) Another sign to go, I guess - facebook tests can also be accurate *sigh*

Having a huge room all to myself was rather odd. It was lonely, but it also gave me time to be alone with my thoughts - which I think I needed right now. Who am I? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? One thing I realised is that I don't really like the corporate life (I knew that before, but this consolidated it for me) Good thing about the MBA decision then. I want to spend my life in the company of words - words of different languages - I want to watch them unfold in their beautiful curlicued glory, and I want to stand and admire. There is this urge now, to prove myself, a desperate need to not allow myself to be mediocre (I fear that is what I am at the moment). Am I good enough to make it for September term next year? I don't know, and it worries me, wait - no - "terrifies" would be a more accurate word.

But there's nothing left to do now except keep moving ahead. Now is not the time to be scared, but to make things happen. I have to rise up to the task, and make those who believe in me proud.

The decisions we have to make in life are hard. But I guess one can't avoid growing up forever.

And I want to write him poetry. But I can only do so in English :(

Currently reading: Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami (and relishing it too!)

Posted at 12:47 pm | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Oct. 12th, 2008

Moving on, and love :)

mood:

in love

music: dil se - dil se re

It's been over a month since the last post, and what a time it's been! Things have crept up upon me and taken me by surprise and given my life a completely new, exciting, beautiful but also slightly scary direction. I'm listening to my heart though, just like I always have, because, really, there's no other way to live. I don't want to regret anything.

And I am no longer. And I love him. And now he's gone, and I miss him.

I'm so grateful though :)

Posted at 11:45 pm | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Aug. 24th, 2008

happee happee

mood:

cheerful

I'm feeling very proud of myself today, and very happy. I've been singing and dancing and having so much fun. Life is beautiful.

I must record today, hence the post, but I have nothing to say.

I just know that if I continue to lead my life this way, I'll never be short of people who love me a lot, and when I die, I will be satisfied with how I have led my life. Isn't that just wonderful??!!

*grin*

Posted at 01:44 am | Link | I'm listening | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Aug. 17th, 2008

a new life, with more of me lost forever...

mood:

blank

...building my strength by trying to negotiate this new territory. it's incredibly hard, and i have nightmares every day. one day they will go away, right?

What else? Have been shopping like mad, haven't got any time to myself. Found some good stuff, but have lost so much weight due to the sickness that I can't bear to look at myself. Not a good time to feel really ugly. Self-esteem has taken a terrible hit :(

And I am not cured. The test results were positive. Another round of antibiotics *sigh*

Haven't studied at all for the exam this thursday. Makes me terrified not just for the exam, but also for my new role at work. Will I be able to make it? Or will it be terribly tough?

I don't have the strength right now for anything, but I have been given no choice - I have to muster it from somewhere. I hope I don't fall, because it will be a nasty one.

___

An excerpt, from Orhan Pamuk's The Black Book (if one had to use a single word to describe this novel, it would be "baffling")

"Most people," Celal had told him, "fail to see the inner essences of the things around them, simply because these things are right under their noses, while they pay great attention to the secondary properties of things that seem just beyond them, simply because they find them in dark corners, on the edge of things, and therefore think them obscure. This is why I never make open references to my true purpose in my coloumns. I mention it only in passing - hide it in a corner, as it were. But never in a particularly dark or secret corner; it's a game of hide-and-seek that any child could play. Whatever my readers happen to find in that corner they believe instantly - which is, after all, my ultimate aim. And this is the worst part: They pay no attention to the overt content of the piece, the things that are right under their noses; they ignore even the secret and accidental riddles it would take them only a little patience, an ounce of intellect, to solve - and as for the newspaper itself, it ends up gathering dust in a corner of its own."

This is what makes me sad.

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