Amu

Yes yes, it has been a while. It feels really weird to be writing here again, like I've just walked back into a deserted haveli and need to clean out the cobwebs with a long broom before I can really begin to do anything, well, productive. The fact is, though, that I haven't not written because I have nothing to say, rather because I have had so many things to say that I never really had the time/energy/right conditions to be able to do so in peace (and clarity). So here, en vrac, as the French say, are some of the things I've wanted to write about. The rest are (mercifully) lost to oblivion.

So I went to Mauritius, which, to spare the description is a pretty boring place. Goa exported to a foreign country. The beaches are very picturesque, though, I cannot deny. I think the thing that really irritated me the most about the place is that it's a honeymooner's paradise. You're just surrounded by lovers who look so blissed out you want to tear your hair because you're not with your own.

...Which brings me to, my own. The thing about this relationship is that I am, at all times, so super-awed by how wonderful it is, that I just feel like raving and raving about it. (Please note: I consider this statement as a sufficient warning for all the raving that will inevitably follow) But I must talk about it. Let me begin by saying, I'm not much of a romantic, not believing, for example, that there is only one person made for you in the world, or that love is something that can last a lifetime, or that marriage is really such a great idea. So you can imagine how much even I am taken aback by the amount of what can only be called romanticism that pervades this relationship. I don't just love this man, I can love him forever and want to marry him and think he's my soulmate. We never seem to fight, we have a great understanding, and we have such great fun together! In the beginning I thought this is is just me getting carried away (as one always does) in the beginning. But the rush hasn't stopped, and it's been 10 months already, with a lot of it spent apart (a trial for any relationship), so you can understand why I am in such a constant state of 'kicked'. I realise how truly insanely I am in love with this man when I realised I want to have kids with him (what? so yuck!) I've never felt like wanting to have children with anybody! This is so weird!

And before my well-intentioned reader chides me (as any well-intentioned reader would) I must stop and specify here that despite all my seeming-giddiness I am quite (painfully) aware of the complicated-ness of the situation. It isn't exactly like I am going to present him to my parents and they'll willingly hand me over to him. It is much more likely they will hand me over to the streets and disown me once and for all. Or something less filmi but equally dire. At the very start it used to bother me immensely, so much so that I did not even want to be in the relationship. At all. But over time I have realised that love is something that you really can't fight. (Even if you can, I don't think anybody should) And also that things like age, your past, your culture or your language hardly are an obstacle. If two people get along, they just do, there's nothing anything or anyone can do to change it (am beginning to believe in that romantic love as you can see - what can I do? faced with the circumstances, I am left with no choice!)  What I feel about this subject has been succinctly summarized by Elizabeth Gilbert somewhere in her novel "Eat, Pray, Love" (a fun read). Here's the excerpt:

"One thing I do know about intimacy is that there are certain natural laws governing the sexual experience of two people, and that there laws cannot be budged any more than gravity can be negotiated with. To feel comfortable with someone else's body is not a decision you make. It has very little to do with how two people think or act or talk or even look. The mysterious magnet is either there, buried somewhere deep behind the sternum, or it is not.... My friend Annie says it all come down to one simple question: "Do you want your belly pressed against this person's belly forever - or not?"
Felipe and I, as we discover to our delight, are a perfectly matched, genetically engineered belly-to-belly success story. There are no parts of our bodies which are in any way allergic to any parts of the other's body. Nothing is dangerous, nothing is difficult, nothing is refused. Everything in our sensual universe is - simply and thoroughly - complemented."

All of which brings me to the thing that has been increasingly on my mind lately i.e. marriage. Or Marriage. Now, given the aforementioned seriousness of this relationship, it should come as no surprise that this has come up, and been discussed. What is astonishing, of course, that I actually feel I can do it (no no not immediately, of course over time etc. etc.) But the wanting itself is such a new feeling, such a big step for somebody who likes her freedom so much.

Having decided that I want to, I have become suddenly more curious as to the dynamics of marriage: what makes it tick, why do people divorce, what's it like? I first got thinking about in Mauritius, where we were surrounded by newlyweds. They were so much fun to watch, especially this one particularly settled couple that looked like they were embarking on the funnest adventure of their lives together. And I'm sure it is, I can imagine it as quite an experience, learning to compromise, moulding your lives around each other, having kids and raising them. I see all these things as important life-experiences, and therefore a successful marriage has from me nothing but utter respect. I want a successful marriage, I want the fights, the negotiating, the balancing, the settling in, the fusing into one another until one day life is not imaginable without the other, the joy of shared boredom. On the other hand, I realise that I do overly romanticise marriage when I talk about it like this. In reality, (as, of all things, a Lipstick Jungle episode brought to mind) even a long-standing marriage can crumble, and suddenly leave u wondering whether you even knew the person you'd been sleeping with for 20 years. Secondly, divorce is an increasing reality in today's world, especially in his country, and I am terrified that one day he (or anybody else) can just want out, and get it too.

You see, marriage for me is that ultimate stability I can build my life around, that I crave for in everything I do. If even marriage loses its rock-solidness, I don't know how to deal with that. For me, you marry somebody, you make your life with them, and you live with them till you die, it's as simple as that. But things are not simple anymore, and that just makes me sad.

But I guess if you have faith, anything can happen. And I hope everything goes well in this story, and that I can have my belly pressed against his forever :-)